Sad... I'm such a failure.......

It took me some time to realize that I'm below average in class...... What is going on... haiz.... Most of the people I know did much better then me...

... Should I study next time?... What went wrong... what went wrong???? Why isnt a person rewarded for the effort that he puts in...

My father hit me... wanna know why? Its because he thinks that I'm useless... Yes.. U-S-E-L-E-S-S...
I did not retaliate because it was against my moral ethics to strike at my father who did give me a bit of money to grow up... So I resisted and the entire ultraviolet shield smashed to pieces and I would have died if I did not use my hand to block it... Fracture, dislocation?... whatever...

I was born the most useless in the family and it looks like I will remain to be... I dont even dare show my parents my results....

I couldn even ace half of the subjects... When my bros ace everything as if they set the papers themselves...

Haiz...

I didnt want to wear a cast, because if I wore a cast, people will ask about my what happened, and inevitably, the truth will come out... My father's reputation is too important to be smeared....

But... What should the most useless person in the family do?... I wish I could do something to make my parents proud... haiz...
My parents actually told my younger bro this (when I was playing the computer) :" If you continue not studying and rotting, you will end up like him."

Tell me how can I not feel hurt....

None of my achievements went recognize... Everything paled in comparison to the acadamic excellenct that my brothers acheived... Being the chairperson, obtaining gold, getting top 5 in the school... none of that mattered...

Looking back... I realize that my life has been a futile chase to be a person that I cannot be... To live a future that I cannot live... I've resigned from my dreams....
I.. have not even lived up to my own expectations, much less my parents... I've failed my family, friends, parents and myself...

One day, when I die... There will always and only be one regret that I will make... and that is, I never got to be the person I wanted to be....

I wish..... yeah... thats all... I only can wish...


sigh...

H a i z........ sigh...

sigh........

H a i z........ sigh...

sigh........

Sad..... haiz..... my efforts all seem wasted 

I cant believe what I'm seeing...........

I got... 3 As... 3 Bs... and 1 terrible C...
What went wrong... I do not know....... I did study extremely hard for the exam... and I put in my every inch of effort into it....
I studied extremely extremely hard....... what happened.....
I studied even harder then what I studied for O levels.....

I am so discouraged.... sobz........

I wish I did not have to see my results... I did not even get a distinction.... not even 1... I expected I might be able to clinch a distinction for OC or maybe DTP.... but nooo..... NOT EVEN 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sobz.... I give up.... all my studies are futile... I worked so hard and this is wad I get... Fate is playing mean tricks on me...

I thought I could live up to my expectations.... never did I ended up failing myself so badly....
I thought polytechnic lied to glimmer of hope... never did I thought this day would come...

I worked so hard!!!!!!! I WORKED VERY VERY HARD!!!!!!!

It just does not make sense.... shouldn results equivilate to the amount of work done?

I really feel damm useless now....

I only got 3 As....... that is so pathatic.... I didnt even get 1 distinction... thats so useless....

I put in my every ounce of effort and that is what i get... does that mean that as much effort as I put in this is what I will get?......

I cant put in anymore effort already... or I will really go insane....
If this is what I will be getting in poly... I give up....

I give up............

The Cross Room

The young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer.

"Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy a cross to bear."

The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, pick out any cross you wish."

The man was filled with relief. "Thank you, Lord," he sighed, and he did as he was told. Walking through room, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not even visible.

Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered.

And the Lord replied, "My son, that is the cross you just brought in."

Author Unknown

Another update......... =P

Cant go for SPARC camp.... now staying at home and rotting again... haiz...

The reason why I cannot go is becoz my arm is broken... =X
The reason why my arm is broken... is.... well... becoz I fought with my father..... ermz.. stupid rite.. -_-"

Haiz... now my hand is in a cast for a week and need painful arm guards... I also dunno how i managed to end up this way... jus blocking from the things he threw at me...
Used to it liaw... nvm..

Didnt blog for so long... Recently went for the Metamophosis Camp.. Really good... miss alot of the people there and the things we did... Made alot alot of frenz whom I really miss... Got alot of encouragement cards and was appreciated by alot of people... But most importantly, I got a deeper insight into the love that God had for each and everyone of us, and why we must fufil the Crusade for Christ, which is the mission he placed in our hearts in the first place...

So many times I fall into traps of sin... and so many times i delibrately walked into it.... But God has never forsaken me, and given me alot of things that I never deserved...
Prayer does work, no joke, and it does things that mortals cant really do it...

Timothy did alot in the camp as well, both of us really threw ourselves into the camp, but God really worked wonders, and gave us time to spend time with Him alone, talking and spending time in His Word...

There is one statement that I will always remember, that a speaker spoke during the camp, and that is : "Christians try their best not to lie, they just go to Church and do it." I never thought of it that way... But sometimes I feel its so true... Can I really love God with all I am?.... It seems so difficult at time, because I have failed Him over and over again...

I dunno how God could actually love a person who has failed Him so many times... if not for Jesus... I think I would long be in despair by now...

Well.. now playing maplestory... i think when i reach level 30 i will be a Spearman.... i think its cool.. but also dunno... lolz

oohh........ snaill... BLUuuu snail.... 

Sianz Sianz day... Sianz Sianz event...

So sianz.... I played maplestory the whole day today... gained 2 levels... finally reached level 25...
=X

So guess what i'm using now?

You guess! You guess! You guess! You guess correctly already then I tell you

now wearing an oversized helmet and a shiny crusader suite, carrying a mop... isnt that like so cool? Huh

Recently I quarreled with my friend... ... haiz.. nvm... dont talk about it.... I dunno why he would turn his back on me suddenly...

Love triangle?... =X my heart is torn into 2..... so wierd... i feel wanted yet unwanted... i feel loved and yet hated...
arrgh.... this is.. terrible...

Haiz... really need somebody to hug now...

Mood : Contemplative... under partial mood paralysis...

- Exams over... but...

Read Sonia's blog.... Guess I'm feeling kinda what she's feeling also... glum, bored and lonely...
Nobody to talk to even though there are so many people around me....

I lost contact with so many people.. in the process of gaining so many people.... I miss them all... Haryanto... Simon...
Haiz...

Now I'm rotting at home playing Maplestory... Quite fun... but does not help me in any way... My sythesizer is spoilt and i'm not used to the piano... Alot of my friends are having O levels now... I'm so bored I could cry...

Loretta messaged the class to help out at the musical... I seem to be an exception to be left out.... Nobody updates me on the events that are happening around... All I have left is my demi-self in mIRC.... The fire in my soul has burnt out... The light in my heart has dimmed... I'm now left with nothing...

I jus found out that one of my juniors, Ivan is an AJ also.. should I be happy?... I'm not very sure... I've given up on alot of things, and I have not been doing alot of things to improve myself as well... Sure as it is... I seem to be rotting away... Right now, I'm typing my blog because I'm bored stiff for playing Maplestory for 6 hours in a row...

I wish I could be useful in somehow instead of being a pest and feeding off my parents money.. haiz...

Anywayz... I'm going off for the metamophosis Worship Practice rehearsal liaw... Maplestory is under renovation also... All those maplers out there add me at Kyo87...

Mood : Lonely. Eccentric. Heartbroken.

MAPLE STORY!!! LETS GO MAPL-InG 

HoLidAys!

Exams are totally over!! yeah...

Stress are finally over... Wished there wasnt so much depression during the period though...
I really put alot of people through hard times... So its sorry from me to all of you who helped me pull through this period...

FOM was kinda wierd... there wasnt much to remember in theory, but there was alot of applications to do... So it was rather ok for me... Lolz..

The holidays are going to be a killer for me again... There are lots and lots of me to do... and everyday people are "booking" me for things to do....
Well.. better then doing nothing and stuck at home "maple-ling" rite... lolz

Yawnz.. now playing this stupid game called maple story... Kinda fun.. but can get a bit boring when you see the same kinda monsters all the time... and the levels are so difficult to increase..

My Kor and Will broke up.. i really wonder why...... haiz...

I LOVE MY KOR!!! haha... =X

Well... not for me to say...

Hmmm..... Campus crusade is going to be rather active this month... hmm... stress.. lolz...
But I'm sure God will reward...

Back to maple land... =X